I asked a casual female acquaintance once where she stood regarding having a relationship. She replied that she was interested in just being friends. Knowing that she had been through a divorce in the past, I assumed that she just wanted to be friends because she was avoiding any more hurt from pursuing “a relationship”. It was only later that I realized the incredible value of her strategy. This is even more significant because most books on relationships focus more attention on the issue of having a mate and lover rather than on just being a good friend. Could it be that we are all too goal-oriented and lose sight of what we really want?
We might just want sex or we might only want someone to lean on emotionally perhaps because we don’t have enough satisfaction in our lives and we think a relationship is the answer. We might be overlooking the ready support of our present relationships, which could bring peace of mind if we let them. To be lovers before we become friends raises an inquiry into our ability to truly make friends.
The basis for friendship must be a win/win situation. You and your friend both need to get something out of the relationship. Consider that loving and caring for someone can be as fulfilling as being a lover. You have to get to know your friend, to put yourself in their shoes and imagine what will make a difference for them. Just a little thing — such as a simple rose from your man or a nice meal from your lady — can go a long way.
Be aware of the expectations you have of your friends and their expectations of you. The quicker they can be clarified, the sooner you can deepen the relationship. The fewer expectations you have, the less you will be disappointed. Pick friends who are more aligned with what you want out of life. Then you won’t have to impose your values on them. By all means, accept your friends just as they are and they will remain friends with you.
The test of friendship is how you both handle emotional situations. No one, deep down, wants to be hurt or to hurt another. Let your responses percolate before you let them out too impulsively. This way you are likely to create more harmony.
Be responsible about your friendship and you will reap the benefits. I have a friend who travels a lot and has not had any longterm primary relationship for many years. In spite of this, he cultivates his friendships systematically by touching base wherever he travels and still has enjoyed much social fulfillment.
What about when you break up? It can be hard to stay friends because of all the bad feelings — feelings that need to be resolved. You can do it on your own, but you’re assured better success if you work it through with your friend. Your experience with him or her provided an opportunity to discover what you could create together and you found out. You can still be friends.
Being friends is certainly about making love and not war. But if you are going to wage war, we need to make friends at the same time. The Grammy Award- winning song, “From a Distance”, suggests that there is harmony from a distance. When we keep a greater perspective, all people are our friends even if they may try to invade us.
Consider being friends with everyone. You can love everyone, or even like everyone, but you don’t have to spend time and energy with everyone. Friendship here means you respect who they are and realize we are all in it together. Say “no” when necessary or defend yourself against attack. In the end, having friends everywhere is great for business as well as for your future.
Love doesn’t have to be an incredibly romantic or se-driven thing. Having someone to listen to you, to accept you, or to feel supported by is all it is. Every encounter is a lesson in diplomacy. How will you approach the next one?
Remember that being a friend starts first with being a friend with yourself. When we all achieve that, then perhaps there will be more world peace.