For some people, the word “commitment” sends shivers down their spine. Making a decision to spend the rest of your life with someone is a serious matter. People often ask: “What happens if I settle for someone and then my Dream Lover shows up?”
In the book I Do!, authors Hans J. Eysenck and Betty Nichols Kelly cite the findings of Dr. Clifford Swenson of Purdue University. Highly committed couples claimed their reason for getting married was their mutual admiration for each other’s personal qualities. For them, an ever-deepening sense of companionship, friendship and lover were the main reasons for continuation of marriage.
Low-commitment couples married more for non-personal reasons: “It was the natural thing to do”, “I thought he could provide well”, or “she could have my children, keep my house and look after me in old age”. They usually considered staying married to be a means to financial security, a way to fill the needs of their children, or they did so because they felt they had no choice. Low-commitment couples had more marriage problems in general, and especially had difficulties in problem-solving, decision-making, dealing with in-laws and in expressing affection.
A successful commitment to your partner, then, means valuing his or her qualities. You can do this only when you are true to yourself and can keep your word with both yourself and your partner.
If you are not ready for a 100-percent commitment, then find someone who agrees to commit to the level you desire and be full on with that commitment. Of course, it makes sense to give your all in whatever you undertake, but for each of us, there’s a suitable time for that.
Being fully committed means being devoted to making your relationship work no matter what comes up. Remember, that this is a choice you make — one you are not forced to take because society says so. It is not self-sacrificing, but rather self-serving to commit this way.
With that decision, however, also comes a responsibility: knowing when to sever a relationship that is just going nowhere.
Commitment to anything in life means taking a stand to get the most out of that experience. That happens when you can focus on the positive aspects, the value of your relationship rather than dwelling on the negative and becoming engaged in negative reactions. Commitment to another person means seeing them in the best possible light. The ultimate interpersonal commitment is to forgive and to let go of any barriers to intimacy.
For my devoted readers, rather than leave you with musical lyrics, consider the words of Dr. Leo Buscaglia: “…if you are willing to be hurt, to suffer, you will know love.”