What can be even worse than breaking up with your lover is the arduous process of picking yourself up and wanting to get involved in looking for a new lover. You can bring out the rules to the dating game, but some of them may have changed since you last played. The natural reaction is for your to not be bothered, but it becomes easy enough to get through if you remember that this is just a passing phase.
To have a new lover you must believe that you can indeed have a good relationship. Yes, there are indeed enough eligible bachelors and damsels out there for everyone to be happy. Watch the way that you might talk about your destiny, “I wasn’t meant to have a relationship.” No one makes that come true except you. You are the only one who knows if you want to have relationship. Also don’t let society force you to have a mate either.
Rather than begrudge your lack of a lover, you could say instead, “I’m just waiting for a prime catch to come along and good things take more time.” At the same time, watch if you are being too picky because sometimes being overly critical gets you nowhere.
While still looking, take the valuable approach of, “I am supposed to do other things instead of having a relationship right now.” Then look for what it is you are supposed to be doing. The universe has a plan laid out for you; you just won’t be notified in the mail about it.
How much of an active role are you taking in finding your lover? My clients have tried personal want ads, such as “SWM looking for SWF…” with mixed results. The Natural Success principle of Balance comes into play here as you adjust the level of assertiveness versus letting-it-happen-ness for securing a mate. If you tell all your friends what you are looking for, you’ll be surprised what this will do for you. For men, questions might come up such as, “Should I really get a motorcycle because it will attract more women?” For women, “Perhaps I should change my hairdo?” Being yourself is important, but active “marketing” never hurt anyone. Making yourself attractive can be a joyful endeavor. It just means making yourself more beautiful, living in beauty, and expressing it more than you ever did before.
Sometimes the best way to your lover is indirect. If you immerse yourself in what you like best, your work or your interests, your mate suddenly appears as someone who shares your lifestyle. The bonus for this strategy is that you are having such a good time doing what you like and having a relationship becomes less of an obsession; also not having one doesn’t hurt as much.
If having a lover is an obsession, you must question what is going on with you. Have you resolved the issues surrounding your past relationships? What kinds of scripts, scenarios, or models did your parents play in your need to have someone love you? Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. says in his book, Getting the Love You Want, that we are attracted to people who have the positive and negative traits of our caretakers and who can compensate for the repressed parts of ourselves. This is well and good, but relationships are simply for an emotional fix if we don’t plan to grow in the process.
You deserve love. Love is already around you, but you must open your eyes to more of it. A relationship is a partnership and you just don’t fit with everyone. It’s got to feel right beyond just looking right. It is somewhat of a numbers game; the more people you meet, the greater your chances. So put yourself in social situations. Remember the magic of romance comes from its spontaneity. When you least expect it, love descends upon you. You have to be ready for it and keep your door open. Expect the best and it will be there.