You probably didn’t realize it was time
for a check-up because most of you are under 40, or under 50, and then
some more. You’ve got time to enjoy life and the worries of failing
health await later years. Well, someone’s got to remind to you about
health and it just happens to be me.
I’m going to talk to you about just three areas of health: attitude,
diet, and exercise. I just wanted to keep it simple because I realize
I have such a sophisticated audience. Some of us may not exercise
regularly and some of us take on sports as a welcome challenge.
When we’re talking about attitude, let’s say I don’t want you to
give me an attitude. "This guy’s just going to tell us all the nice
boy things to do to be such a healthy person, but it’s just not fun.
How am I supposed to enjoy life?"
I’m don’t need to give you all the good stuff to do. Actually you
already know this stuff. I’m just here to remind you that you can do
those good things at any time…maybe even start tomorrow
You have to understand, as a psychiatrist, I’ve heard all the
excuses to put off health as a priority in life. People tell me all
their inner BS..and, believe me, there’s some good stuff out there. I
get reasons like."I wasn’t meant to be healthy"…"Life ain’t worth
that much to work that hard for"."I’m just going to eat just one more
of these things"."I just don’t have any time."
I’ve used all the excuses myself, but remember I’m trained so I use
better ones. I’ve got a whole BS system that is more elaborate than
any you guys could ever think of. We all just say these things to
justify our positions. Remember that action speaks louder than
words. When we start doing things that show we are caring for our
bodies, then we’ll know we are making our health a priority.
Only I know that I sneak a few sweet treats. No.not me. This is
time for true confessions. Yes, sweets are one of my downfalls. You
probably could have seen that by my disposition.
Since we’re already talking about food, we may as well talk about
diet. Some of us like to eat. Who here loves to eat? I would not
have guessed that some of you liked food. I just assumed you had a
metabolic deficiency. Anyway they say that sex and appetite are the
two strongest biological drives, and appretite is pretty far back in
second place, but that’s another subject.
Food is one of my favorite things. You may have heard the saying
that when a Chinaman belches, it’s a sign that he enjoyed the meal.
Well, I could do a few belches for you right now but I’ll spare you..
So you want to eat that burger. Do you think I really care? I do,
but I’m not going to let you know. I’ve got to make you think I don’t
care so you’ll ask for my sympathy. When you reach for your next
burger, you can ask yourself if you really want to eat it and just
remember you can toss it at any moment. That should be easy. They
make those burgers so damn cheap, you’ll have a bargain getting rid of
it.
You might say stuff like, "But I don’t like vegetables and fruits.
Anyway I don’t know how to cook vegetables". Ever heard of a cook
book? Well, write this down..C-O-O-K-B-O-O-K, all you have to remember
is C, B, and O, O, K and go to your nearby Borders Bookstore and ask
for help. If you want, I can accompany you, but I’m real expensive.
You know the way we hold on to those special things that we like.
"Oh, I really love those Ho-hos." We won’t even get into talking about
coffee, just out of respect. We’ve just got to have something we’re
hooked on. Somehow having that thing conveys special status to our
identity. "As a connoiseur of steaks, I find that the NY cut is best
broiled in butter, making sure there are no mad cows around." We put so
much into what we enjoy. "I’ve got to tell you about this dinner at Fat
Lipids Restaurant, the Tower of Cholesterol was incredible with them
mashed potatoes, and the sauce was exquisite."
Why are we getting so excited about all this stuff? We don’t have
time to go into the psychological analysis..you’ll just have to make a
separate appointment. Yes, why do we get excited about this stuff when
it all ends up the same way?.in the toilet. Well, that’s true but not
exactly true. In my many years of life, I have done some extensive
examination of stools and you know how Eskimos understand about a
hundred different types of snow? Well, I think I have to paint the
proverbial picture, do I? What you eat does make a difference in your
health. You wondered where they got the phrase, "Get your S-word
together."
We don’t have to wait until we have a heart attack to make a change
in our diets. That’s what my friend did. He was quite a hobnobber,
making all the right social circuits of fine dining. Yeah, we used to
have more fun way back when. Then he calls me one day to tell me he’s
got chest pain and he can’t walk up his driveway after taking the trash
out. Well, I end up taking him to the ER and the rest is history. He
had his bypass and now he’s a total vegan. He won’t even grill veggies
on the grill that just had some steak on it. We don’t need to go this
far and we can change our ways without a heart attack.
Well, let’s move on to exercise. You ever channel surf in the
middle of the night and see those exercise shows? What the hell are
they doing exercising in the middle of the night when all you want to
do is go to sleep, but you can’t?
It’s funny about exercise. We all did calisthenics or fitness stuff
in PE. It’s such a drag to be the last guy to come in on the 600 yard
run. You’d like to find just a good way to cheat or fix the timers so
you wouldn’t look so bad.
I think we should just blame someone for our lack of fitness. The
Freudian approach is perfect here.let’s blame our parents. "My mom
used to feed me meatloaf all the time, she would just sit on the couch
and worship the tube, so I just wanted to be close to her."
Anyway exercise is so boring. Who wants to be running in some
shorts around a park? People are just going to be checking out our
butts anyway.
What’s this stuff about fitness anyway? It’s not like we’re
construction workers? Oh, yeah, I guess some of us are. Well, all
psychiatrists do is talk.you don’t need much fitness for that. Some of
us sit at desks and try to get other people to give us their
money.can’t take a lot of physical effort to do that. So the only
theory that might work here is to say that if you don’t exercise,
you’ll just have less blood going to your brain to manipulate other
people. Because we may tend to thick-headed, the blood just doesn’t
get through to our heads. Building up that cardiac output gets that
blood pumping in the brain and then there’s hope we can use our knogen
better.
What’s so hard about exercise? Most of us exercise.our jaws all the
time …either overeating or overtalking…but jaw muscles aren’t
everything..
I used to watch parents of kids just gain weight and think to
myself, I’m never going to let that happen to me. Yeah, right, except
when it did happen, I just realized that love handles means I’m just
more lovable. We’ve got to think about our kids. Just worrying about
making money will not buy us more time with our children especially if
we croak and aren’t around.
Then there are those of us that exercise a lot. Consider this
theory, if you’ve got only so many heartbeats in a lifetime, frequent
exercise just means you die sooner. You see why taichi is so good, but
that’s another talk.J Moderation is the key. Watch out for injuries.
Don’t forget to watch your diet and don’t be thinking you can just burn
out all the toxins with exercise.does Jim Fixx ring a bell? Anyway,
you need good fuel to make your body run well.
I know exercise makes a person feel good because it’s happened to me
about once in ten years when I’ve run a couple miles. Of course,
taichi does it for me whenever I do taichi. How can the fitness buffs
get this feel-good thing across to the rest of us. "Hey, you wanna
swim 5 miles, run a marathon, and bike 10 miles today? You’re gonna
feel real good?" Are you nuts? Or what? Maybe you need to be
reminded about how your muscles felt, the day or two after the
marathon, huh?
So the point of today’s talk is primarily to finish my Toastmaster’s
manual. No, I’m supposed to inspire you to greater things.like
health. But you’ve got to remember our common Chinese roots. Chinese
don’t tell you to do something, that way you will do it more. You
know we’ll tell you something like don’t to think about pink
elephants.don’t think about health. Don’t watch your attitude about
health. You know if you’re setting yourself up to keel over at 50
anyway. If you don’t mind it, then it’s all right by me. If you want
to do try white water rafting and risk you life, by all means, please
do. You’re an adult and even if I was you momma, you probably ain’t
gonna listen to me.
When you eat, by all means eat whatever tastes good and forget about
the nutritional benefits of what you’re eating. Forget about variety
because more of the same is mo’ betta.
As for exercise, don’t sweat it. Just sit on your bottom. Plant potatoes in your couch. Don’t even think about taichi.
I’m just here to let you know that you are the master of your health
and you will do what you can, when you can, and when you want to! You
deserve to be fit, be healthy, eat right, be the right weight! You can
live long! And it’s okay to plan to live long!