When you meet someone who interests you, possibly as a life partner, you want to get to know that person better. In my profession, I get to know people through a comprehensive interview confined to an office setting.
Some areas we cover in the interview include: family history, interpersonal history, educational/vocational history, cultural history, sexual history, drug/medical history, personal self-assessment, plans for the future, and the mental status exam. When you thoroughly understand someone, you see why they are the way they are. When they react negatively towards you, you don’t take it so personally because you understand their background. The more you learn about them, the better you can tell whether they would fit as your mate. Perhaps the best clues come from the interpersonal history. Find out what their past experiences have been with relationships. How many longterm relationships have they had? Why did they break up? What did they learn from those relationships? Have they completed the issues stirred up? All of this helps to understand why they might be attracted to you, what worked for them, what their shortcomings might be and what problems to anticipate in your present relationship.
When you start questioning someone or when you yourself get asked, honesty becomes an issue. How much will you divulge about yourself without making yourself seem unattractive? If you are concealing a lot of your past, then you must acknowledge that you are attractive, and affirm that no matter what you have done in the past, you deserve someone to love you in spite of it all. Most of the time, if you try to hide anything, the other person will eventually figure it out anyway. Also if you want to be with someone, don’t you want them to love you for who you are instead of for who you want them to think? We do best with a partner that loves us just the way we are.
Honesty also comes into play regarding what you like or dislike about your partner. Honesty helps reinforce those points that you admire and brings up those areas that might be troublesome. Of course, it is important how you bring up those sore points. For example, when someone criticizes you, you don’t need to be critical or angry at them in return. Simply remind them of what they are doing and suggest that you would like to align against destructive criticism. Telling someone what bothers you can be done diplomatically and it gives your partner the opportunity to accommodate you.
Telling someone about your love for them is always wonderful, but sometimes the words “I love you” are difficulty to interpret. Rather than avoid them, consider that saying “I love you” marks the beginning of a long discussion. “I love you” can just be an expression of feelings, but there are usually consequences to those feelings. Does this mean you won’t love or be with anyone else? What future do you have together? All of this needs to be clarified. Saying “I love you” feels so good, but receiving it can feel even better.
Talking about compatibility can be fun, complicated or very simple. You could just go by our feelings and ask yourself, “What does my gut say about this relationship?” Or you can be very systematic and specify criteria you are looking for in a relationship. Both have merit. Feelings are valuable to tune into, but reality is also necessary to consider. While age, cultural and racial differences can be overcome, talking about them is important. Also aside from other surface considerations of good looks, money, education, and social status, remember the fundamentals for successful relationships include: good communication, ability to compromise and resolve issues, shared dreams and interests.
Discussing the future starts the process of creation. By planning your friendship ahead of time, you can build a more solid foundation for what you want. Just remember the future is never set, and that it is an unfolding process. Don’t get overanxious and don’t be disturbed if it turns out different than you expected. That’s part of the fun of watching a relationship grow. Just be open to what it holds and have faith that you will indeed have the love you want in the end.
If you want your relationship to continue, just keep talking. Let your words share yourself and your love.
This lacks the broad range experience of an individual seen on “the outside” in spite of psychiatric interviews being very thorough and complete.