One of my client’s first wife was too intense for him because of their frequent confrontations and arguments. His second wife is much more agreeable and they generally get along, but he is still unhappy and bored with the relationship. What is going on with him?
What he has done is something people often do when they attempt to balance their lives. When something doesn’t work the first try, we try the opposite extreme. Newcomers to relationship are quite disappointed when things don’t work out. Instead of even considering someone with a different personality, they will not even want to have another relationship. Women have a bad attitude about all men or men give up on women. The swing to the other extreme is a common occurrence and a natural balance in the rhythm of life. You go to and fro until you find the right adjustment that suits you.
Three stabs is a good number before you get the hand of something. Take the example of throwing darts as if it represents you achieving a goal in your life. The first throw or attempt is your point of reference. This experience is important because it is the one from which you will plan your future attempts. If your throw is too much to the left, you will need to compensate more to the right.
Sometimes we hit our target the first time around. Some call this “beginner’s luck”. If it is lucky, then it won’t last forever. Sooner or later something fails because we are not really aware of what keeps us on target. Our shortcomings then show us what is important to stay on target.
The second attempt at something is a counterpoint adjustment. When you’ve seen what your problems were the first time around, you make adjustments. Usually we overcompensate because we are trying so hard not to make the same mistake we made the first time. When we’ve thrown the dart too far left the first time, we now throw it too far right. Knowing this natural tendency, we can be more moderate on our second try.
By the third stab at something, we could begin to be right on target. Two tries could give you sufficient experience to learn a polarity in your endeavor. In the game of darts, the two main polarities are left and right or up and down. When you have experienced the spectrum of possible dart throws, you will be able to throw the dart with mastery. Two throws will help give you a good approximation to your target on the third throw.
The big snag in the process of success is that we get too attached to wanting to succeed. If we fail the first time, we want to give up. If we fail the second time, we think there is no way that we will ever make it. If we strike out the third time, it’s the ultimate end. The more we are aware of the process of success, the more we will allow ourselves to succeed. Not making it on the first try is no problem. Learning and adjusting for the second attempt is more conscious and deliberate. By the third try, we should have a fairly good idea of how to do things. If we need any more than three attempts, we must really enjoy what we are doing and want to do well. Then it doesn’t matter how many times we fail because when we are having fun with the journey of life, success is on-going.